Friday, 19 October 2012

I feel like I don't fit in, but it's ok!

Some days I get up in the morning and I am ready to take on anything and manage whatever my day throws at me but every now and then I have a succession of days where it all is just so hard. My brain is on overload, what to do what program should I be doing, what am I missing, am I getting enough food into Faith, all those sorts of things, or the simple ones like, I don't understand! Faith might be well or she might be having a string of tough days too. My emotions get the better of me and as much as I try to center myself back to normal and control my thinking (through prayer, meditation or journalling), tears come or just a sense of I don't feel I fit in or where is my place? Don't get me wrong, my husband and daughter are so much a blessing to me and I wouldn't change a thing. I just sometimes feel I don't fit in. Faith is now over two and getting over that baby stage and people start mentioning things to me, such as oh, she is so tiny, is she really two?, oh she must be so sick because she has tubes. So, even though I can get past comments like that, I find it hard to find a place that we fit in. I find internet based forums are a amazing place for understanding and support, where they understand and get the head space I am in. Faith is still gaining her strength which means she is unable to sit up unaided, or crawl yet. I say yet as we are making progress and I know one day Faith will get there, it is just hard, I don't seem to fit into mother's groups or play dates though I do have some friends who really try.

But the other day when I was shopping the shop assistant said to me, she hasn't got her oxygen on anymore, she continued to tell me that she understood how big an achievement it is to lose a tube as her son has cerebral palsy and was on oxygen for a while, what encouragement I felt, instantly better, I wasn't alone in this town there were other mums who really understood. Another nice comment a week or so earlier was the check out lady at Woolworth's, she said oh, isn't she getting bigger and looking so much better. People do notice they just sometimes fail to say the good though instead pointing out the obvious  for example, the tubes, how little she is. (She really isn't that little, seeing Faith in her standing frame, she turns from a baby on the floor or in the pram into a little girl, ready to explore the world) And today, sometime special happened, I received a email from a friend who started out the email saying she was worried what she was about to tell me was going to make me sad, she proceeded to tell me that her little girl had started to crawl and that she instantly felt grief for how I must feel seeing her 8-9month exploring her world and my little one couldn't yet. I wasn't saddened by her email, I was touched with happiness as my friend was trying to understand what grief and sadness I may have felt but it was the opposite because she had thought to email me and tell me before I saw her and her little girl. It was the thought. She made me feel special and that even in a unconventional way I do fit in and it is people like her who try to understand that make the adjustment so much more the easier. So, in conclusion, I might not fit in the 'normal way' but it is ok!

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