Laying blame on mothers seems to be
an “easy” out when their children are born with varying medical conditions or
disabilities. I have had the questions and statements “you must have done this when
you were pregnant” or even “there was a study saying if a mother took this
medication or ate this food it would explain what your child is going through
right now”.
I’ve had so many well-meaning and
rash comments like these ones. But what those people don’t know is the hurt,
tears and guilt caused. When I was pregnant I choose to go to extreme measures
with taking the “correct” vitamins, eating the right foods and following
medical advice. During my first pregnancy I drove my husband crazy with my
obsessed eating of the “right” foods. Second time round I learned more ways to
adapt while eating what I felt was right for me.
Words hurt, they come back at me when
I am tired, depressed, sleep deprived or struggling with a hard, long day.
Those days that you feel it is impossible to continue but you do and wonder how
on earth it was possible. The guilt I feel that I could have done something to
prevent my daughter’s disabilities or my son’s minor health challenge (now
fixed) haunt me. I would do anything to
fix either challenges and I do. It is late at night the words sneakily return
and disable reasoned thinking. The
ceiling becoming a notice board for my thoughts all pushing for my attention. “Could
I have done more?” Then, I tell myself “don’t torture yourself” but I still do
over and over again.
As I write, I await my son’s final
minor surgery and words of “you should have done more” are stuck on repeat in
my mind. I can even visualise the person who said it. It’s not worth the fight,
I walk away least I say something I will regret. But then, I think of those
people whose words bounce in my mind attempting to destroy my peace and I realise
most of them would not have seen their child held done to perform medical
procedures numerous times or seen the look of fear and questioning of “mummy
don’t do this I trusted you” while the gas mask forces them to sleep for
surgery. It never becomes easier. Or the missed moments of normalcy.
It is those challenging times my
heart reaches out to love my children even more desperately trying to forget
the words of hurt and striving forward. I know it is hard for outsiders to
understand, comprehend the challenges we face but laying blame or sharing new
ideas of research adds to the burden. I know I’ve done all I can as a mother
but the words that fall off your tongue do affect and do hurt. People often
look for a cause of a problem. They fail to see that sometimes it is just the
way it is or just bad luck.
Words can hurt
Words can heal
What did yours do today?
