A New Life

'For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are beautiful, I know that full well'.

Psalm 139:13-14

I stood and looked through the sliding doors. My heart leaped and I felt the baby move. Still marveling at a life growing inside me. In the next few hours I will have a baby girl or boy. A new life! Packed and ready we knocked on the hospital admittance doors and a kindly nurse came and let us in. She showed us to a recliner to wait. Let the admitting process begin! I was measured for compression stockings, weighed and met with the anesthetist. I was to have a spinal tap, the name in itself sounded scary. This was really happening. I awkwardly changed into fashionable surgical gown and stockings with the help of the nurse (otherwise I might have lost my balance). I was feeling huge. The outfit was just lovely (not) and we were shown to the operating theater waiting area. My husband was shown to a place where he could get changed into his surgical outfit too. Very attractive (I think he looked rather cute in his scrubs). We sat in the waiting area. Waiting, waiting and then another couple sat down. I remember seeing the lady holding a little hat for her soon to be baby. I then thought, I didn't bring one, I didn't know! Why didn't I know!

Just when I least expected it, my name was called and in we went. I was quickly introduced to doctors, nurses and had to get into a position for the spinal tap to be performed. It was all happening so quickly and it was beginning. I had to lay down on the bed while the spinal tap was taking effect. It was the strangest sensation. The numbness slowly moving up my legs right up to my arms and chest. The doctors were already starting to organise the operation. I then had the worst nausea. I mentioned it and it was gone. So quick. What an effective medication. Both my arms were strapped down, one for blood pressure and the other for a reason I can't remember. I felt quite trapped with no feeling in my lower half and my arms strapped down. This was really going to happen. I met the team who were to look after the baby when he/she was born. I begged for the opportunity to hold the baby soon after his/her arrival but they said they didn't know but if it was possible they would let me. I so desperately wanted to hold my little one.

It had begun and within a few seconds, they were lifting up a baby for me to see and it was...drum roll... A GIRL...I had always felt that it was a girl. She had jumped and kicked when we watched girly TV and I just knew but I didn't what to say in case I was wrong. I read the old myth about the baby's heart beat being high if it was a girl and I was right. My husband thought the same too. A GIRL. Praise God!

She couldn't breathe on her own. She had to have a tube down her throat to help her breathe. My husband went to be with our little one and hold her hand. She grasped his finger. It would be many years until she could grasp a finger like that again. 

We named her Faith because it was faith that sustained us through my pregnancy and faith that will keep us going too. I wish I could have been there too. They put a little hat on her head too which I never saw again. I just have a photo of it. The anesthetist's assistant was madly taking pictures for us so we would be able to remember the day. Those photos are a great treasure, with such mixed emotions. 

The next moments were a bit of a blur. They wrapped our little one in a cling wrap material and she was taken away to the neonatal intensive care unit. I was sown up and taken to recovery. Considering what I had just been through I felt pretty good. All I wanted to do was to go and see little Faith. But I had to wait a few hours. 

At last, I was taken in my bed to see Faith, I leaned over and held her hand. I wanted to cry. I whispered some kind words to her and that I loved her. I was taken away from her again. 

It is an incredible feeling that this little person that I just met that came from me, and that I already have such a great love for her. Faith didn't have her mum and I wanted to be there and I couldn't. My heart ached. I was a mum of several hours and I hadn't held my baby or even be able to do the simplest thing of feeding her, holding her. I didn't put her first nappy on or her first hat. I wasn't the first person she saw. She saw a stranger. Oh, how I longed to go to NICU. I was taken up to my room. I was pleased I didn't have to share with anyone I didn't feel like explaining why my little girl wasn't with me.

I felt so good after the surgery. I was surprised. I was brought a meal and didn't realise how hungry I was. I received a visit from the social worker who said that many ladies feel really good the first day. She said I should be prepared for day two as I would probably crash pretty hard. I took that in but thought no I will be fine. My husband went and saw our little baby and sat with her for a while. When he returned the staff in NICU had printed out a photo of our little just for me. She was beautiful. She still had a breathing tube but I didn't see it, she was perfect to me. We also had a visit from the neurosurgeon to say that the following day she would have surgery to close her hole in her back (spina bifida). They said that at this stage they didn't need to operate for hydrocephalus as it wasn't currently progressing. They would just monitor Faith's head circumference.

I decided to give Faith the best start I could, I would express milk. At least this is something I could do. I asked the nurses about this and how I was to start and they said, just rest for now, you can get to it later. I wasn't sure I agreed, but I did. My husband was staying the night with me which helped and by then I was expressing every few hours. The exciting news of the night was that my nurse said she thought I could go and visit our little girl. I moved ever so slow, a little painful and hopped into a wheel chair. My other half pushed me to NICU. This was our baby, I found it hard to believe. So beautiful! She was doing as well as could be expected. She had a tube down her throat and was being feed by a tube. A very emotional and brain numbing time!

Back up in my room and with a little pain we settled down for the night. 

Tomorrow our little Faith would face surgery.

4 Weeks and Counting

I didn't know what the plan was for the arrival of our little one. It hadn't been discussed, all that was planned was for me to come to Brisbane and wait. Wait!

We arrived a warm Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, our first contact with our accommodation host was extremely negative and we continued to have problems until the day we left which was sad. More stress we didn't need.  First thing Monday I met with a social worker and explained my concerns that I didn't have an appointment with a doctor for another two weeks and my c-section hadn't even been booked. I felt like I had been sentenced here and no end date to go home.

I missed my best friend (my husband), and thought how we should be experiencing the last weeks of this together. I just wished somehow it could be different. But it wasn't and I had to deal with it though difficult. I felt alone and I couldn't see how it could be eased. My mum was wonderful trying to cheer me up and even tried to smuggle a glass of milk into our "food free" rooms for my horrible and intense heart burn but she got caught. She shouldn't have had to endure the ridicule and criticism that host of the accommodation placed on her. All for her trying to ease her pregnant daughter's heart burn and so she did not have to go down the two flights of stairs to get it. Poor mum.  

I had a amazing social worker who actually spoke to the doctor and got a date for my c-section. Yay, a birthday has been picked for our baby! That at least gave me a date and I could organise for my husband to come and stay. He was planning to come a week before so we could have some time together and I couldn't wait. He also came each weekend and my mum stayed during the week so I wasn't alone and I greatly appreciated that.

My first scan after my arrival was disastrous. I had a doctor conducting the scan and he had a student doctor with him and they were dreadful. They discussed the conditions of spina bifida, arnold chiari and hydrocephalus which was fine. But, they went beyond that and started to talk about after the birth and the way he thought the baby was going to be as he/she grew up. This was not right, he didn't know the future and yes my baby did have have serious conditions but he can't speculate. I told him that and had a rather heated discussion about him presuming too much. I was a heavily pregnant woman and he was discussing my baby in a way he had no authority. I came out nearly in tears and went straight to the case worker nurse and told her and she was very sympathetic. She said that this doctor had that tendency and I wasn't the only woman he had treated this way. That shook me for the rest of the day.

I didn't have much to do so many days we walked to Southbank and sat in Cafe's to fill in time. It wasn't really a happy time just sitting around in a one bedroom room with a pull out bed pushed against the wall. But the days were ticking by and the day that my husband would arrive to stay for the arrival of our bub was so close. I couldn't wait. I had all these plans of fun activities we could do for that last week.

My mum had headed home and I was watching anxiously out the window for our car and there it was, I ran as fast as my little pregnant legs could carry and we ran into each others arms and embraced. My love was here at last. At last it was only seven days until the planned birth and we were so excited. We were taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit  so we could see where our little one would be coming pretty much straight after the birth. They said that as soon as I would leave recovery they would bring me by to see our baby. It was very clean and such tiny little babies everywhere, it was a high security area so all the babies were safe. In my mind I had the ideal situation in my head that we wouldn't be here long and that we head home not too long after the arrival of bubs. I tried not to think to much about it but concentrate on getting through the next few days.

My other half and I walked the by the river and ate some yummy meals, checked out the maritime museum but at night it was an all too true reality that we were not going home soon.

The night before the birth I was apprehensive, excited and nervous.  I had this horrible fear that I was going to die. I don't know why but I guess having major surgery and after the doctor went through the possible things that could go wrong I was a little scared. I didn't tell anyone how I felt as I thought I was being silly. The morning of the scheduled c-section, I showered, packed and I was fasting so my husband went to the kitchen and got himself some breakfast. I was too nervous to be hungry. We were ready quite early and decided to walk to the Mother's and just wait.

So off we went to begin the next phase of our journey...